Guiding Defiant Children with Compassionate Tools

Unlock the secrets to turning defiance into triumph with your child with ADHD. Join me, Laurie Bloyer, as I share transformative strategies from my guide, "10 Essential Guidelines for Parents of Defiant Children with ADHD." Discover how to harness positivity and positive reinforcement to create a nurturing environment where your child can thrive. From practical tools like reward charts to understanding defiance as a natural part of ADHD, you'll learn how to tailor your parenting approach to foster empathy, calmness, and peace in your home.

Explore actionable insights into positive parenting strategies, tackling everyday challenges with fresh perspectives. Learn how to make daunting tasks like homework more approachable through techniques such as rephrasing instructions and using the Pomodoro technique. I'll also reveal personal anecdotes on modeling calmness and the critical role of self-care, with creative ideas like a kindness jar and calm-down kit to bolster emotional regulation. Plus, get inspired to engage in fun activities that reinforce these guidelines and connect with others using the hashtag #Neuronexus. Join this supportive conversation and arm yourself with practical tips to navigate the complexities of parenting a defiant child with ADHD.

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Transcript

Parenting Defiant Kids With ADHD

Laurie Bloyer 1:45

Hi and welcome back to episode four. Thank you so much. Today we're gonna be talking about the freebie that I'm offering this month, which I've gotten a lot of questions from parents about their defiant child and what does that mean? Or how can they work with their child that's just being absolutely defiant. So I've written a guide the 10 Essential Guidelines for Parents of Defiant Children with ADHD. That's the title of the guide and I hope you guys can get it. It is linked in the show notes, but I wanted to go over it in more detail as I wanted to make it a quick guide that you can maybe hang on your fridge or share with people that you care about and that care about you. But also I wanted to talk about it in more detail in this podcast. So let's get quirky. So could you picture for a moment Well this probably isn't going to be too hard, but just go here with me for a little bit your child is throwing a tantrum because you've asked them to do a simple chore. You feel exhausted, defeated, and maybe even embarrassed by the scene. How many of you have posted that in Facebook? That I've seen? Yes, in our groups, parenting a child with ADHD can feel like running a marathon every single day with weights on your feet and dragging a hippopotamus right. It can be a lot. And especially back to the Neuroquirky Nexus.

Laurie Bloyer 3:33

In today's episode Parenting Defiant Kids with ADHD I'm, of course, Laurie Bloyer, your host, and we're going to be diving into 10 practical rules or guidelines. I'd like to call them to help reduce defiance with your kids and foster a more peaceful home environment. That's what we all really want as our big goal, I believe a peaceful home environment. Whether you're new to this journey or looking to refine your parenting toolkit, I'm really hoping that these strategies will empower you with techniques to make each day just a little easier. Isn't that also what we want? Peace and ease. So defiance is really common in kids with ADHD and many times it's a byproduct of the way their brains work. These 10 rules or guidelines will help you see defined behavior in a new light and give you tools to navigate those difficult moments with empathy and calm. And I'm gonna guess, based on the last two episodes I did, that we're not gonna get to all 10 today, probably the top five, and part two will be the next five, so stay tuned. Of course, you can always download the guide for all 10. All right, let's build on those, yeah so positive reinforcements, building it into everyday parenting.

Laurie Bloyer 5:03

Number one was emphasize positivity. I really want you to build that into your everyday. Emphasize positivity. How many times has your child heard no, no, no, can't, can't, can't whether at home or at school or out in public? How many times have they?

Guideline 2: Address the Whole Child First

Laurie Bloyer 5:20

Other episodes that we can make is to focus on positive reinforcement rather than ADHD kids, or any neurodivergent kid really, but especially children with ADHD, they can experience correction far more than they experience praise, which can hurt their self-esteem and make them feel like they're always in trouble. When we focus on rewarding small wins, like remembering to put their shoes away when you ask them, or one episode we talked about putting their pink socks away in their room, not cleaning the entire room when you ask them and they do it, it motivates them to keep trying and really praising them for when they do it right. Even that little thing, remember, it's just the little habits that add up and compound interest of habits get us to a huge reward, and that's what we're looking for here, as those little atomic habits or compound interest habits that build up over time. So, for example, let me just give you an example.

Laurie Bloyer 6:38

I worked with a parent, Susan, who created a reward chart for her son. Every time he followed through on a task, like putting his dirty dishes in the sink, he earned a sticker. At the end of the week, he could trade his stickers for a special activity like extra time at the park. Within a few weeks, he was consistently doing small chores because he loved the feeling of accomplishment. So my action tip for you for this number one tip start by setting a small goal, like listening the first time they ask. Track this with a simple visual system like a sticker chart. Be specific with your praise. Instead of just saying good job, try saying I love how you put your toys away without being asked Okay.

Guideline 3: Communicate Calmly and Clearly

Laurie Bloyer 7:33

The next guideline that is in our guide is number two address the whole child first, then discipline. So I really want you to treat them well before you punish them because punishment doesn't really work for children with ADHD. Sometimes the defiant behavior we see in kids with ADHD isn't intentional. It's a result of the condition itself. Adhd affects the executive function, which, if you don't know what that is, I should do a whole episode on what executive functions are, because working on those is 99% of what I do as a holistic coach. Working on executive functions is one of the major pillars to addressing ADHD and how to work with it. Sorry, that was a side note. So I was saying that ADHD affects executive functions, which include skills like self-control and managing emotions.

Laurie Bloyer 8:37

Before jumping into punishment, consider if their behavior might stem from the ADHD that they're having. Right, does it stem from that? So, for example, I recall working with a family where the parents felt frustrated when their son couldn't sit still during dinner. After understanding that his fidgeting was a sign of his ADHD, they introduced small sensory toys at the table, like chair bands or a little fidget. And oh, those chair bands are amazing I think I talked about that in one of the earlier episodes which helped him channel his energy without punishment. Their mealtime improved dramatically. He was able to talk to them and focus on eating and at least get through the majority of his meal, and focus on eating and at least get through the majority of his meal. So I would like you to work with me, or anyone else, an OT that you trust and respect, to create a plan that targets self-regulation skills Techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, and using a fidget tool can help, and that is the holistic part of the holistic coaching that I do Working with many pillars to help them calm themselves so that you can have a peaceful dinner. Okay, that's two, thinking of that holistic approach and the whole child before you.

Using Visual Aids for Effective Instructions

Laurie Bloyer 10:01

Discipline. All right, let's talk about using communication and preemptive planning to reduce conflict. Oh, this really saved me and my son. Communication is key, but the pre-planning really helped as well. So for our guide number three, or guideline number three communicate calmly and clearly. Yes, I know that's hard when we're in the heat of it, but I'm telling you that what I just said in the last tip stop, breathe. Some of this stuff is really great for us parents Mindfulness, breathe, I can't tell you how many times. And now all I have to say to my son is breathe, and he knows what to do. He knows what to do.

Guideline 4: Preparing for Challenging Situations

Guideline 5: Maintaining Composure in Tough Moments

Laurie Bloyer 10:51

So, kids with ADHD, and of course you know this goes for all of our neuro quirks, right, a lot of our neuro quirks, but we're talking about ADHD in this episode they can struggle to process verbal instructions, especially when they're feeling overwhelmed. Right, the prefrontal cortex is not developed yet, and so it's harder for them to process instructions, especially, yeah, when it is overloaded. So please be simple, clear, use clear communication. It will really work wonders. And when you feel upset, remember well, first breathe. And children also really mirror our tone and energy. Staying calm and using short sentences helps them absorb what you are saying. It also gives you a chance to take a break and a breath.

Laurie Bloyer 13:36

So one mom, for example, shared that she had trouble getting her son to start his homework. Hmm, sound familiar? She tried rephrasing her instructions to let's start with math together for 10 minutes and it made a huge difference. He didn't feel as pressured and could handle the short time frame. Isn't that wonderful, don't we want that? No battles over homework, it's not worth it. And again, the Pomodoro technique I believe I talked about that, the working and then taking a break. And working, taking a break, and then a longer break after a couple rounds, depending on the ages.

Laurie Bloyer 14:17

Use visual aids to reinforce instructions. Try a checklist for the morning routine or hold a picture of a clean room when asking them to tidy up, nonverbal cues are especially and incredibly helpful, so these visual aids are also helpful. The picture could be of their room when it looks nice and clean, so that they know what it looks like, or even just segmenting it down. What does their desk look like? What should it look like? Remember, making it simple, simple. Simple depending on their ages, all right, our next guideline was number four preparing for challenging situations, so that pre-planning.

Fun Activities to Reinforce Guidelines

Laurie Bloyer 15:02

Many kids experience emotional meltdowns, kids who have ADHD or neuro quirks, due to overstimulation and frustration. Planning ahead helps avoid these situations. If you know, certain environments or or events can be overwhelming, discuss or even roll-play coping strategies with your child, and these can include, like taking deep breaths walking away, not eating the sugars. Whatever the situation will be, you need to either role-play or talk it out ahead of time.

Laurie Bloyer 15:53

I worked with a parent who found that large family gatherings were overwhelming for her son. They created a code word he could use when he needed a break and she'd take him for a short walk. By preparing him for the event and giving him a way to escape, they avoided the dreaded meltdown. Doesn't that sound lovely? So that's one idea a code word or a tap or some kind of signal, and a little exercise, a little break Another wonderful thing to suggest for your teachers. So establish a cool- down spot at home, a quiet corner we've talked about before, with few sensory items, like their favorite stuffed animal, a stress ball, a fidget toy, some nice lighting. Teach them to go there when they're feeling stressed.

Laurie Bloyer 16:36

And guideline number five maintain composure in tough moments. So keep your cool. Yeah, the way to say that is to keep your cool. Kids learn how to handle stress by watching us. When we respond with calm, even in the face of defiance, we're modeling emotional regulation. Ever heard that saying the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? So really look at yourself first, really reflect on your own behavior first.

Laurie Bloyer 17:08

I myself, I remember I would get triggered, I would be affected by my son's behavior. I'm going to admit it, I really did feel at my wits end and crying and didn't know what to do, and I would get frustrated and it would, of course, escalate my son's behavior and then it was a vicious cycle he would escalate me and we would go around and around and around until one of us calmed down, and it was usually me. I had to walk away because I'm the adult I had to model good behavior. But it was hard until I really started to get control of myself and I started practicing deep breathing. And during these moments. I noticed that my son also started calming down when I started breathing and, like I said earlier, all I have to say now is breathe. And we both breathe and get through it, and this really also works wonders for his anxiety and my anxiety. If I model good calm- down techniques, his anxiety would calm down immediately, so we almost don't see it anymore now that he's a teenager.

Laurie Bloyer 18:18

So I really want you to practice your own self-care right. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on your child, right? So practice your own self-care. Make sure that you're being mindful of yourself and your heart rate and your breathing and how you're feeling. Make sure you exercise and get any help that you need to get, because you need a full bucket, a full emotional tank so that when challenges arise, you can help your child and you can stay grounded and model patience and you can model self-care and you can model mindfulness and you can model exercise so that you both will be happier and have more peace at home.

Laurie Bloyer 19:09

Okay, that's our first five guidelines. I think we'll do our next five in the following episode. I really want you just to have something to think about and I really want you to do your fun activity, so let's do our activity. There's so many wonderful options. So for our guideline number one, the emphasize positivity guideline, you could create a kindness jar where both you and your child can add a token, like a small bead or a pom-pom, every time you see the other person doing something kind or helpful. Wouldn't that be fun? So that really helps focus on kindness and positive actions and both you and your child recognize and appreciate good behaviors, building self-esteem and positive habits. There's one option you could do. You can do all of these if you wanted, and please don't forget to post these on hashtag Neuronexus so that I can see them and others can see them.

Conclusion and Next Steps

Laurie Bloyer 20:15

For rule number two, where you are addressing the whole child first and then discipline, you could do a calm- down kit. Put together a calm- down kit with your child. Include stress relief tools like a squishy ball, bubbles for deep breaths, a small notebook to draw in, a fun little lamp right, what would be in your calm down kit? They can be used whenever your child needs to self-regulate before getting frustrated or defiant, and this is really good, because having a calm- down kit readily available gives kids a sense of control and a tool to help them manage their emotions, making it easier to respond constructively rather than with punishment.

Laurie Bloyer 21:05

Number three was communicate calmly and clearly. So in this one, you could do an acted out game right, as we talked about role-playing. Role-playing is amazing, where you and your child act out different scenarios that often lead to defiance or frustration. Use clear, calm phrases and communicate with each other during the act and take turns, being the parent and the child. How fun is that, especially with your teens? They would love to hear from you and hear their perspective. This works really well. By practicing these scenarios with playfulness and empathy, children and teens. I've done this with my teenagers in my school and with my coachees. They become more comfortable with communication and following directions without being criticized, and it's fun. It's family bonding time For guide number four prepare for challenging situations.

Laurie Bloyer 22:09

We did talk about the acting it out for this one, but also you could create a quiet corner challenge if you don't have one in your house. From a previous episode, we've talked about this. Design a quiet corner or a chill zone. If your teen is too cool for a quiet corner In your home, go ahead and design this with comfortable seating, sensory items like soft toys, fidgets, calming activities right. The calm down kit could be in there, puzzles, whatever they like to do to calm them down, and this is really good because kids feel more comfortable in the space and builds a positive association with taking a break before frustration. So get them to go to that corner before.

Laurie Bloyer 22:58

The last fun activity I wanted to leave you with was the keep your cool or maintaining composure in tough moments is the freeze and breathe method. Right. Play a variation of freeze dance with a breathing twist. Play some music and dance together. When the music stops, instead of freezing in place, take three deep breaths together and freeze in a relaxed pose. This works really well because it teaches the value of pausing and breathing in a fun, memorable. It also helps model the practice of self-regulation skills that your child can use in challenging situations. And also, if your child's older, you can do just breathing, guided breathing meditations, or guided breathing activities if they're older and don't want to play games. So many ways to approach this. You know your child best and definitely, if you work with a coach, they know how to work with your child as well, after getting to know them and creating that relationship.

Laurie Bloyer 24:12

So again, thank you so much for joining me on this episode of the NeuroQuirky Nexus. Next time we'll be going through the next 10, I'm sorry, the next five guides for helping your defiant child, and we're going to talk about, maybe, the origin of defiance. What does that mean? What does it mean to be defiant? What does that mean? What does it mean to be defiant? So, thank you so much Again. Post your activities in the hashtag NeuroNexus and I want to see what you guys have been doing. As always, I encourage you to keep it quirky and remember your child's brain is extraordinary. It's better than ordinary and please see that in your child. Reframe the frustrations to wow my child is extraordinary. See you next time.